It all comes down to a box of cereal

Image by Surreal Sways via FlickrI changed my facebook profile picture today. Its a pic of me and my grandfather dancing at a wedding. I'm about 7 or 8 and i was not standing on his toes like they do on TV. TOM emailed it to me today because i asked him to. it was one of the pictures that was showing in the DVD slide-show during his funeral. I'm still processing my grief. I've also been drinking a lovely concoction of lemonade and whiskey. YOM offered to do the slide-show for free. since its 'family'. i should know how much he charges for it but i don't really remember right now but he did a great job. the pictures spanned most of my grandfather's life, only 2 of his 4 children were in them and only 4 of his 10 grandkids. being the oldest i was in most of them, including the ones before he stopped walking. its a very surreal feeling to be sitting with your family and talking about things that you remember and you loved and they have no idea because of age. most of them barely remember his life before he was in the wheelchair. i still remember Saturday and Sunday mornings when both my parents worked i used to stay at their house. the only people awake in the house were me and pop-pop. we'd go in the kitchen he'd get 2 bowls, a tablespoon and a teaspoon and a box of bran flakes. he'd pour the bowls and then he'd sit and read the paper. on Sunday's he'd give me the funnies. we sat there in silence every weekend eating bran flakes together. just the 2 of us before the rest of the house stirred.

I haven't had bran flakes yet since he died last week. I'm almost positive I'm low. so if you see a grown woman in the cereal aisle holding a box of bran flakes and crying, leave me be. i just need a few minutes to compose myself.

said by -

To infinity and beyond

Wednesday C1 and I sat in my bedroom and watched the shuttle launch. I had the tv on in the background while i answered emails so i called her in the room to sit with me and watch. The whole time we both watch the launch with excitement but i was slightly distracted. When i was in 3rd grade my mom let me stay home from school so we could watch the Challenger launch. We sat in my bedroom, me on the floor and my mom on the bed combing my hair, we gleefully counted downa nd watched it take off, and then i froze when Challenger exploded. I remember that day vividly and i remember my mom crying and hugging me.

After counting down to the launch with C1, I held her tight in my arms and secretly wished nothing would go wrong.

----------------
Listening to: Faith Evans - Never Gonna Let You Go
via FoxyTunes

so many books

Since my mom told me about the DNR i have been slowing moving through life. Forcing myself out o bed getting through the day and then drinking heavily till i fall asleep at night. As to be expected? i break into crying fits at possibly the worse moments over the most trivial things. So what have i been fixated lately? BOOKS.

I lived with my grandmother till i was 18. you see my mom wasn't exactly upwardly mobile in her homelife like she was in her career, and while all her siblings moved out me and her stayed right there. I actually moved out for college moved back in when c1's dad left me then moved out again when c1 was 18 months old. My mom moved out 2 years later. Me being the only child of a career driven women I would come home from private school everyday, sit in the Senior citizen community center with my grandmother and read. when i got home i would read some more. My inner tomboy was only around during the summer. In my grandmother's house are several bookcases, one in the living room thats 6' tall that i think we got when i was about 12 and several shorter ones about 4" in the hallway. the shorter ones all house my mom's textbooks from nursing school, and the big bookcase was slowing filled up with my books. there was just one shelve for the 2 encyclopedias we had, one from 1964 and another from the 70's.

All day yesterday and today i couldn't stop thinking about how i would have to go back to that house and move all those books. So now bookshelves make me cry, and i don't even have a bookcase in my house. this sucks.