Friday, January 21, 2011

There's no crying in baseball

And i'm pretty sure that rule still applies.

Recently the news and twitter has been all aflutter about how the smell of a woman's tears can have a pretty demoralizing effect on men. No shit sherlock. This then became the larger idea of how crying at work can be even worse. Now i know there are women who will defend that crying should happen more, I still recall a forum post where a woman posted how she was in need of a good cry and others chimed in that they had cathartic cries as much as once a week. I think my head did an exorcist spin on that one.
This stencil looks hand-cut unlike the others,...Image via Wikipedia

Yeah but not in my world.

I'm not a big crier. I never have been and i absolutely feel worse when i do cry. I feel like i've been hit by a truck. I am a firm believer int he idea of not crying at work. I feel it really does do damage to your career in ways you probably can't fix. Even crying in the ladies room can get you screwed because then you become gossip foddler. I've worked in a male-dominated field most of my working life. I love it i want to do it for the rest of my career years because it makes me happy. I am still a woman and i am human so yes i'm not unable to cry i just don't aim to cry. That being said i have cried at work twice. I'm not proud of one and i feel like i couldn't avoid the other. No excuses it is what it is. they are very different from each other so i'm going to share them both.

The first time i cried at work i tried my damnest to hold it in. But that fact is i cry when i'm severely pissed off. Its a weird reflex. I've had fist fights with tears streaming down my face, no other crying cues just the tears. So when i was in my mid 20's i took a job at a manufacturing plant. I had zero experience but it was a nice mid-level job. low stress and i learned a ton about logistics and manufacturing in general. I used to like going to work. Then as part of the merger i got a new boss inbetween me and my boss who was a complete and utter fucktard. The man's wife would call 8 times a day no lie, have him paged and call his cell. he was not good at his job and i found out a few months after i left he was fired for calling 900 lines from his work phone. Well not only did i get this asshole as my new boss int he merger i also got demoted. they tried to play it off saying it wasn't really a demotion since i got to keep my salary but it was switched to hourly, i got a new title and pretty much became a fucking babysitter. i found out about this when i was called up to HR.


i'm in HR with him, the HR generalist and my now old boss.  i sat there clenching my hands trying to hold it in and then the HR manager told everyone we were done but for me to stay behind to sign some paperwork. They left she closed the door grabbed her tissue box and said go ahead.... i was bawling.  what pissed me off more was 2 days later this same new boss decided i should switch to working 1st shift and felt the need to write me up because i should have been told that meant a reduced lunch. yeah. i lasted another week while i emptied my desk and wiped my computer clean, then one day i just said fuck it and quit. While i managed to only cry in front of one person i'm still not happy it happened.

The next time i cried was December 2009. It was the day my grandmother called my desk to tell me my grandfather died. Some of you were reading back when i posted about him. His death really shook me. I mean the man had been sick for ages but i never really expected to get that phone call. I was woefully unprepared. I wasn't even sitting, i had just come out of bossman's office because i heard my phone ringing i sat talked to her while she explained everything and just started crying. i completely forgot i was even at work until 2 co-workers came around the corner to ask me about a missing shipment from Sweden. I just remember saying i needed to leave because my grandfather died. still crying but i couldn't get up. I recall a few other people on the other sides of my desk walking over with condolences while i tried to get out the door. it was surreal and still is because of how i'm mentally piecing it together. But i made it to my truck called my best friend and cried like a baby right there in the parking lot. It was a good 30 minutes before i had it in me to drive to her house.

Those were two different moments, 2 different reasons, just both resulted in me crying at work. Now i know most people say crying over death is totally acceptable but still. When i was told my maternal grandmother was dying i was home, it was a sunday. on the day she died i had just gotten home from work. Grief is a strong emotion but damned if the timing sometimes sucks. I cried it dressing rooms after she passed, i cried in the cereal aisle after my grandfather passed. But crying in front of strangers is inherently different. You may never see these people again. With co-workers not only do you see them again you've possibly be part of the gossip if you have a resident crier on staff. You've probably looked down on then crying for almost anything and you say, that can't, that won't be me. And sometimes it happens, and you hope it doesn't happen again because there is shame in crying at work.

You better believe it.

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