Thursday, May 31, 2012

Memories of a touch

Its your birthday today.

I won't get the annual phone call around 1am where you sing to me happy birthday and i giggle and say my birthday is tomorrow silly. I won't get to tell you how much i love you and laugh that you will call me again around the same time tomorrow to do it again. My phone won't ring when you take your sunrise walk on your birthday. You usually ask me about half a dozen times over the next 48 hours how old i will be/am again. You know but you do it anyway.

Instead i'll have to stop crying long enough to call my grandmother to wish her a happy birthday. I always found it interesting you shared a birthday with her and how yours was the day before mine. we are very intertwined.

Remember when i was turning 25 and i told you i didn't do birthdays or at least my own and you said we need to change that. And you did. Oh how i enjoyed that phone call and how sad i felt when we were apart and my phone didn't ring. That sadness feels like nothing compared to what i feel today.

The year we went away for the weekend, the birthday celebration that started with a fight before we even left Brooklyn and ended with my head curled up in the nook of your arm telling you how i didn't want to be anywhere else but in your arms for the rest of my life. The way you wrapped your arms around me and listened to me talk aimlessly about songs of my youth before you asked me to marry you. This are things i hope i never forget because memories are all i have now.

Its not fair you were taken away from me. How do i go from telling you to get some rest to having your brother call me to tell you you are dead???

The wedding things that come in the mail i have to cancel, the email i got from the jeweler i contacted to make our wedding rings, the bridesmaid dresses that my bridesmaids actually liked, replaced with sympathy cards, and sorry for your loss facebook wall posts and emails galore all of condolences.

Walking into the church for your funeral the church i hadn't stepped foot in since my grandfather's funeral almost broke me. it wasn't supposed to be this way. You promised you'd never leave me but that didn't stop you being taken away from me. Touching your hands right before your brother closed your casket the same hand that i could feel laced around mine for hours...I still can't believe you are gone.

I love you forever. Life just isn't fair.


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